Disclaimer: not for the weak stomached, or the easily offended.
I knew that wouldn't scare anyone.
To make this easier to read and to make sure I don't miss anything I will break this post down like an episode of 24. (What does 24 + 16 =?.....that's right, 40. The number of hours I have been awake).
All is good Friday, we had a great day watching the Smurfs and shopping at the mall, blah blah blah.
Friday 8pm: Pitch a weekend tent in the living room so we can enjoy some A.C. camping. Equipped with nature sounds from an Ipad App and some camping snacks.
11pm: Albert and I get in the tent for some late night How I Met Your Mother, season 5 that just came in the mail from Amazon.
1am: This is where the fun begins. Wake Albert up from the tent and carry him to bed, I hop into bed and think "do I need to go pee one more time before bed so I don't have to get up at 5am and do it then?" Yes. Now usually I just walk in the bathroom, lights off, do my biz and leave but last night, for some reason, I turned on one of the lights in the bathroom 2 steps away from stepping through the pocket door where the bowl is and low and behold, on the floor next to the toilet a SNAKE! I scream, jump on the counter top and yell "a snake a snake!!!!!". (I saw a Palmetto bug in the bathroom a few nights ago and I have a fear of those, such a fear I think I need to find a Palmetto bugs anonymous meeting. So I told Albert I need a code word for the next time I see a Palmetto bug in the bathroom. Not sure why I need a code word for things besides it's just plain fun. So we come up with Succotash. The next night I see another Palmetto bug, I yell Succotash and Albert comes running with a shoe). So anyway, I'm yelling snake because I don't have a code word for snake, Albert asks if I'm kidding then comes in the bathroom to see me hyperventilating. I point and breathe and he takes one look and says "holy shit, where did it come from?" I DON'T KNOW, THE PET STORE NOW GET IT OUT OF HERE." I guess I should tell you it was a baby snake, more like a worm on steroids, but still I swear it hissed at me. Albert leaves me alone in the bathroom to keep an eye on it while he heads to the garage. I figured he would just pick it up and throw it out the door. Nope. He comes back with garden gloves, a small shovel and a huge shovel. Ummmmm, you're not killing an 18 foot King Cobra, but he was equipped as though he was. Three bangs from the shovel and the little bastard was in three pieces, still moving...... and to make it better he released a defense odor called musking (I googled dead baby snake smell) that smelled like HELL.
3am: Finally settle in bed and try to close my eyes but visions of snakes dance in my head. I finally doze and 20 minutes later I hear Avery screaming from her room. I jump up and go in there just thinking she had a bad dream. I open the door and ask if she's ok and she's sitting up pointing to her pillow. I get closer and get a whif and oh boy, she had barfed all over her pillow, laid back down in it and now it's EVERYWHERE. Chunks and old pasta noodles and the smell. I feel so bad for her, I pick her up and put her in the bathtub to get all cleaned up. I get her dressed, put her in my bed with Albert while I clean her sheets. I walk back in my room, rub her little head, no fever, she's acting fine. What the heck? She sits up and projectile vomits all over me, our bed, our blankets, everything. Clean her up again, Albert does this load and changes everything.
5am: Stilllllllll puking. By this point it's all gatorade and I have already googled what I should do and it seems as though the ER is the only option and as long as she's hydrated there's nothing they can do. So we choose to wait it out.
6:45am: She's done puking. I really thought maybe she had snuck out of her room to go drink at a friend's house. I mean, that's what I used to do. We finally fall asleep.
7:30am: Riley wakes up and had slept through this all.
8am: Albert and Riley decide to play kurplunk and Don't Break the Ice. REALLY?!?! Avery and I are trying to catch a few hours of shut eye and you decide to play the loudest games in the house. Why not just bring out the Hungry Hippo game while you're at it! If I hear one more marble drop from Kurplunk or one more tap tap tap from Don't Break the Ice I'm gonna lose it on both of them.
9am: Albert tells me he's going to take Riley to his parents so they can play and he can nap for an hour or so. Ok, bye now, I'll meet you when Avery gets up and if she feels better.
9:15am: Albert calls, he got a flat tire pulling out of the neighborhood, he's going to drive on it up the street to Tire choice, can I pick him and Riley up?
9:16am: WHAT THE MOTHER F, I say to myself.
10am: get Avery dressed and out the door to pick up one exhausted daddy and one chipper 7 year old.
10:30am: we get to Albert's parents and our 2 little nephews are there. We play, we swim, we eat, WE DON'T NAP.
6pm: finally decide we have had enough and head back home. Avery is feeling great, Albert and I haven't said 3 words all day because we can't muster the energy to talk.
8pm: Albert and the girls are sleeping.
12:45am: i finally fall asleep because at this point it's been 40 hours of awake time and I'm overly exhausted.
It was a crazy day but the semi good news is today (Monday) Avery had her 3 year well visit and the doc said it was food poisoning and it has passed. Avery is 100% in her height (I think she got that gene from my dad) and 60% on her weight. So she's super tall and skinny. What a model. I asked the doctor when the appropriate age would be for me to start waxing her uni brow. Crickets. I hope I don't need to find a new pediatrician.
So when people ask me "who peed in your cornflakes today" which by the way is the most annoying saying of all times, I will simply tell them to refer to my blog post.
I would like the following unknowingly sponsors:
5 hour Energy
Terminex
Good Day.
