Avery's Baby Daddy

Avery received some gift cards for Toy's R Us for her birthday and we were waiting for the perfect "rainy day" to hit the toy store (which she calls Toy Story, she gets confused) and roam the isles. Yesterday was the perfect day to do so. I picked her up from school and she was very excited to go to the Toy Story. I asked her what she wanted and at first she said "another buzz Lightyear", again she was all confused and thought she could only get Toy Story things at the Toy Store. Plus, there was no way we were getting another $40 Buzz Lightyear. After I explained the complexity of the Toy Store she got it and when I asked her what she wanted again, she said "um my tink I want a daddy for my babies".  Ok, whatever you want it's your gift cards.
Oh please let there be a daddy doll, I am thinking prob not but who knows.
After perusing the aisles a bit she picked out talking twin dolls one with brown hair, one with blonde hair that she so fittingly named "Avery and Riley",  an Olivia the Pig Jack in the box (you wind it up and Olivia pops out, scares her everytime), and of course we can't find a daddy.  Then all of a sudden she runs to a box of boy babies and low and behold she yelps "my found a daddy baby". Apparently if you are a boy baby, you are the daddy.  She was so excited I couldn't I say no. We were well beyond our gift card denominations at this point but whatev.  Introducing the daddy for her dolls:

Isn't he cute? I said well Avery you have to name him. "um how about Terrance". PAHAHAHA!! Terrance is a little boy in her class.
"Well since he's a daddy, he needs a daddy name."
She then replies, well how 'bout Baby Daddy".  PHAHAHAH even more!
Ok so there you have it, Avery names her new doll "Baby Daddy" and that's fine with me.  Avery's Baby Daddy is pretty cool, he mows the carpet and drives a pretty dope ride.

I hope her dolls respect their daddy, even if he drives a hot pink convertible.

It's A Boiler Out There

The summer's been hot, humid and sticky. We are pool moochers. Meaning, we don't have a pool at our house so we mooch off other people's pools. This weekend we went to the Deckers' pool party. Always a great time with great friends and a ton of laughs. Things have sure changed though, changed in the fact that most of us have kids now. So the pool party is split in shifts.

First Shift: the peeps in the clique with kids that leave a little early.  Second Shift: the peeps in the clique that put their kids to nap in the back room so they can grab an hour of beer drinking and socializing and the Third Shift: our friend "Wayne" (name has been changed to protect his identity). "Wayne" comes at 6:30pm to an afternoon BBQ to make sure all the kids are gone. He walks in with his survival kit, better known as his "I'm gonna get so wasted and pass out on your air mattress" kit. It consists of a Langford Construction T-shirt and beer. I ask him where his toothbrush is and he holds up his index finger. Gross.

He walks in and before he even says hi he looks at me and says "Greenbaum, I have put on some weight in my stomach and I am allowing you ONE jab, one jab only!".
"ONE JAB ONLY?!!?" You can't do that to me, you know how much I love to make fun of you. But since I have become kinder and gentler I respect his wishes and save it.

We sit, play pool games, throw the frisbee and get to know all the cute kids we have. It's a fabulous day and a great way to spend our Saturday. The families with kids start to trickle out and we are still hangin' on until it's time for us to leave too. We get home and I realize I left my shoes there! Sounds like a good excuse right? But I really did. So I put Albert and Avery on the couch for a little TV time and I head back over. I head back because I really want my flip flops and I never got to make fun of "Wayne". I walk in and have a seat outside on the patio next to "Wayne" and I look over and spilling out of my mouth comes "HOLY SHIT, THAT THING LOOKS LIKE AN ALBINO PUMPKIN".  My boy "Wayne" has a boiler!

Note: This is not Wayne, this is the winner of this year's Boiler Belly Contest

Wayne was sportin' this whiter than snow hard belly. It was amazing. He wanted me to touch it but I was scared, he was proud. He proceeded to tell us that the 22 year he's seeing likes it. Sorry "Wayne", unless she has a boiler herself she doesn't find it sexy. I suggested we get some orange paint and paint a pumpkin on it. His belly button looks like the pumpkin's "O" face. It's hilarious. He then tells us he does sit ups every night. That's great now he's just building muscle on top of the fat and it's growing. The little black hairs on it make it look manly. I love my BFF Wade, I mean "Wayne".

I think next year he has a good shot at being the 2012 Boiler Belly Winner.

Moosie Pants-Today she's 3 years old.

Today is my little girl's 3rd birthday and holy cow I can't believe it. She has grown up so much over the last year and it's hard to believe another year has passed. It seemed like when she was born EVERYONE said "enjoy it, they grow up so fast" and man o man was I tired of hearing that. I thought "I'm exhausted, I haven't slept in months how the hell is this going to go by so fast" and BAM, it does. Now I am the person that tells the people with the newborns "that it goes by so fast". In my mind she will be cute and precious and three her whole life but I know better than that.

I will start a new book this week about raising a "strong willed" child, because that's what she is. A friend of mine suggested it and the book says that strong willed children are the ones that grow up to be successful because they are independent and not pushovers. Man, I hope it's true and it pays off. She is the best little girl in the whole world but I think, at times, she outsmarts me and she knows exactly what's she's doing.

She speaks in opposites, for example " mommy it's so cold out here" when in fact it's 95 degrees out. She tells me to "shut door off" when she wants her bedroom door closed. When she wants to do something on her own she tells me "My don't know how to do that by myself". You have to know that means she CAN do it.  She loves school and has 2 bo-friends Jack and Nolan. She hugs all her friends when she leaves and then we come home and play school where she pretends she's her teacher, Ms. Palso and I am a kid. I have to sit on "blue carpet" while she reads stories. All of a sudden out of no where one her plastic babies will start talking and down on 2 knees, eye to eye she says to them "are you talking in my classroom? That is not OK, one more time and you go to time out". About 4 seconds later plastic naked baby is in the living room in time out. She'll leave her there for about 2 days. I think 2 days in time out is good enough.


I don't know if it's normal or not, but I stare at her when she sleeps and kiss her all over, I pinch that tushy and sometimes we french kiss (not really a french kiss but for some reason she likes to lick my chapstick) of course I let her.  I smell her like a crazy person because there's nothing better than that. I love her morning breath because it has this little fish odor that I can't get enough of. When she first wakes up every morning (which is about 9:30am, my baby is a sleeper!) I just lay with her and snug and she'll turn to me and ask "mommy are you my best friend?" I cry and say yes then give her breath a whiff. SHE'S 3 AND I WANT TO KEEP IT THAT WAY.....

Here are some pictures of her on her bday each year. I must have taken 7 million pictures over the past few years and looking through them with Avery is so much fun. She will see a picture of herself as a baby and say "ahhh look at dat baby, so cute". When I tell her that cute baby is her, she doesn't understand.

On my way to the hospital

But wait....a small little contraction

Hold on, I can't go without my push present.

....and I push and lay and throw up for 13 hours

34 week sonogram, I can't believe how much she looks like this!

Here's that little face the day she was born.

and here was that hair 3 days after she was born. We called her "fluff top"

After my shower, she was 2 days old and I was so scared her head was going to fall off

First bath in the tub. I think she likes it!

One month birthday (my camera date is off).

My baby's last bottle on her first birthday!

First birthday

First birthday pool party. She looked like my son in this pic!!

2nd birthday

Circus party for her 2nd birthday!

Typical Avery face because she's probably thirsty or cold or something.

2nd birthday, tough girl.

A little 'mutz on her face (thats jew for Scmutz)

3rd birthday party at the beach

Blowing out her three candles

Everything has been pretty by the book, she's potty trained, she writes her name, she walked on time, she went through some terrible 2's and when she warms up to you she is your BFF. When she doesn't like you, she will tell you. We are working on that. I fear she will embarrass me in public, like when we walked in the pet store the other day and she said "eww mommy it stinks in here" and then held her nose the whole time. We are working on that too.....

Happy 3rd birthday to the single best thing that I have done! To the best thing that has ever happened to me and the love of my life, my little Moosie Pants.

The Flyer- One White Hat

I want to get a quick blog post up about something that has haunted my mailbox since I was a child. It's called The Flyer....

i have no idea what cities it circulates in or the history of this "thinner than cheap toilet paper" publication but it comes in the mail weekly and I always, always throw it out....until now! We went to an Easter egg hunt at our friends house and after the hunt Avery just wanted to "sit on the chouch and relax" so since she's the boss, we did as such. We walked in our friends living room and she had the cutest kiddie brown suede recliner. I want one. I asked her where she got it and she said the 2 words that make me cringe "The Flyer", she bought a set of 2 for $25 from some lady.

Fine, I'll give The Flyer a chance, so 2 days later on that tuesday "it" comes in the mail as scheduled and I open it, I give it a chance, I spend a good 15 minutes hunting for something, anything.
When I come across a guy that's selling a handful of nuts and bolts for $3. Pause. I take it in and start. What would I say to this guy when i call asking about his nuts and bolts for $3, will he take $2? REALLY? Why didn't he just throw them away? Is someone really going to buy these??

Then I continue, after the imaginary scenario I made up in my head about buying the nuts and bolts,   

I find an ad for "one white hat-$10" um? Ok, I have to call, what I am assuming is an old lady selling a hat? What kind of hat? Do you have a blue hat or just one white hat that you HAD TO PUT an ad in the paper to try and sell.

you can't see the actual add but just to give you a visual of how The flyer is laid out. Tons and tons of randomness

I had no choice, my curiosity got to me and I called the number inquiring about the "one white hat"


me: Hi, I'm calling about your one white hat you have for sale in the Flyer.
old lady(I was right): oh yes
me: why are you selling your hat, is it still white? Can I wear it to The Kentucky Derby?
old lady: oh sweetie, I don't know what the Kentucky derby is but it's a church hat and if you're interested I have many hats you can look at.
me: nope, just interested in the white hat.
old lady: why do you keep saying "white hat?"
me: um, because that's what it says in the Flyer.
old lady: omigosh, the ad was supposed to read "a ton of nice hats"
me: PAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!! Well your ad reads "one white hat" thanks anyway, I'm really in the market for a white hat. Bye.


You can't make this up and there are a ton more where that came from. If you want to meet me for some Flyer fun, meet me at my house on Tuesdays.

Egg Salad Sandwich Monday

I really enjoy the Monday after Easter. It's the time when all has settled and I am left with baskets o' plenty and eggs stuffed with dollar dollar bills ya'll. I get to stock pile my favorite Easter thing which is Cadbury eggs. I had this convo with my sis- in- law yesterday at Easter dinner on how people eat Cadbury eggs differently. I am the "bite a little off the top of the egg and pinky finger scoop the insides out, leaving just enough around the inside edges so with each delicious chocolate bite of egg, I still have a little filling. She tongues the filling out then eats the egg. How do you eat your Cadbury egg? Can you buy Cadbury eggs when it's not Easter? How do I live all year without them? I have collected 7 since yesterday, I actually found one on the floor yesterday and I looked around to make sure no one was looking and scooped it up. Like when people see money on the ground and they look around and then nonchalantly put their foot over it for a few seconds before picking it up. That was me with the egg.
I had the typical "I am Jewish so explain the whole Easter bunny, eggs, how this all ties in" kind of thoughts. Funny, because my sister had the same thoughts. We googled it, there is no real explanation. Cool.

I think Avery had enough of Easter by last night. She seriously went on about 5 egg hunts and when she found the golden egg with the dollar in it, I was so excited for her! So what does she do instead of investing it so we can turn the $1 into a million? She trades her dollar bill for ONE YELLOW STARBURST! She was so excited about the yellow candy starburst. I sat down and had the "value of a dollar" talk with her. Not a good trade Av. Of course the kid that traded with her was laughing all the way to the bank.

We found over 7000 plastic eggs and about 50 hard boiled eggs. Albert's mom sponge painted each one, they were so pretty.

Each one was bright and beautiful. Sorry Av but I turned these beauts into lunch....

And that is how Egg Salad Sandwich Monday was born. So I kicked back today, watched my favorite show, ate egg salad and licked my pinky finger raw getting all the cadbury cream from my fingerprints.
Avery stayed home with me today because she wasn't feeling good but she doesn't know her Easter is now in a bowl mixed with mayo, olives, dijon mustard and paprika. I'm thinking about charging her a dollar for one of my Egg Salad sammy's, just to teach her a hard lesson.

My favorite show in case you didn't know. Thanks to my friend Bonnie for letting me know it comes on TVLand in the middle of the night. So I set my DVR and this morning I had 5 episodes taped! I mean, I have all the seasons on DVD but it's fun to watch it from TVLand.

Our friend Jessica and Craig live in an awesome house with awesome property so Saturday morning they had an Easter egg hunt and the bunny made an appearance. Avery was a little unsure. It's because she's half Jewish, I'm sure.

Another favorite thing of mine, Avery's little stinky feet in my flops.

Happy Egg Salad Sandwich Monday!

Wal-Mart- A Non Scientific study

We went to the beach this past weekend and on the way there I realized I forgot bug spray. Yep, I now bring bug spray to the beach after the island bugs feasted on my olive tan skin in St. Thomas. They feasted like Fat Joe likes cake. Going to the beach for us isn't your typical "throw some crap in the car and be done with it". It's mood swings, bullshit we take that we don't need, snacks like we're leaving the country and going where no food exists, and when it's all said and done this is what takes place in the car.

 Avery wraps herself up like a Muslim because she's bored and insists on making these weird sounds just to annoy me. Riley wears her new Wal-MART $2 mask the whole way there because it's "too sunny" in the car.  I am, of course, signing songs (to myself) to try and create the carefree beach memories and I turn around to see the above. FAIL.

Let's get into the Wal-Mart vs. Target thing that I know most people think about. I remember being just as embarrassed to say I bought something at Target as I did Wal-Mart. Now, I scream from the roof tops that I bought this as Target and still embarrassed to say I bought it at Wal-Mart. Wait, let me rewind, the only item of clothing I ever bought at Wal-Mart was a Gaither t -shirt I saw. Sorry, call me a snob but Wal-Mart sucks.

Well, Wal-mart kind of sucks. You can get some pretty good deals and if you find a clean Wal-Mart like the new one off of 41, it's not bad. So we pull into a Wal-Mart off of Gunn Hwy to pick up bug spray and some cheap pool toys and Albert sends me in solo (with my bathing suit and cover up on, you can imagine). I step in and soak it all in....the smell, the people, the lines, the people. The massive amounts of people there on a beautiful Saturday afternoon. Like these people couldn't wait for their work week to be over so they can hit the Wal-mart on Gunn Hwy.  You've seen the emails that go around about the "people of Wal-mart" notice how you never see that about Target. I just googled "people of Wal-Mart and 32,000,000 things popped up. There is even a book from Amazon you can buy!
http://www.amazon.com/People-Walmart-Shop-Andrew-Kipple/dp/1402250711
In case you want one for your coffee table.

When did Wal-Mart turn into a one stop shop? You can shop for your groceries and John Deere toys, pick up a Subway sandwich then go sit and get a mani/pedi at the salon and if you forgot that you don't have enough cash for a tip, that's ok because attached to the Wal-Mart salon is now A BANK! What the hell? Now that you're all pretty and had a good lunch you should hop on over (by the entrance of the store) and get some pictures taken of you and your family, you know for the Wal-Mart book.

 (They would make a cute couple)

Target is just fun, you can walk and sniff the smell of popcorn and know by the end of your shopping trip you will be at least $100 in debt on fun things you don't need. You will have the silver or gold pair of flip flops that everyone will have this summer and you laugh because when see those flip flops on someone you will think "ha, she got those at Target and I have them in gold". You know you do it. You will buy a Gilligan O Malley nightgown because it's the softest thing your skin has ever felt. You will pick up some $4 mix and match play clothes for the kids and then hop on over to the seasonal section for the latest and greatest spring plates and cups. You will think "do I need this?" You don't but they're on sale for $1.29 so you get 6 just to feel satisfied that you bought fun stuff at Target.

Holla if you hear me.....go ahead and google just the word Target and hit Images. Then do the same for Wal-Mart. It proves my point.

Tales from the Unemployed

As most of you know I left my job at Team (MillerCoors) about 3 weeks ago. After 8 years with the company I got a little complacent and no one feels good running on a hamster wheel day after day. Of course the decision to leave wasn't something that I decided to do one day on a whim. It was about a year long thought out process with some planning and some weekly visits to my shrink. Yep, I see a shrink on the reg. For one, I feel grown up that I can say I see a shrink, and I like the word shrink.  I always pictured I would lay on this leather couch and spill my guts, all the while my shrink would be sleeping. Well she has a leather couch but it's different.  She never falls asleep and I sit up, not lay down. She just helps me organize my head and better understand that my perfect vision of life may need a new vision at times. Blah blah blah, I like her and her lavender candles calm me. So instead of me calling it quitting my job, I call it temporary retirement. So let's get into what I have done, learned, eaten, watched during my past three weeks of retirement. I wish I could remember ALL the things that have gone through my head but so much swarms around it daily that I will jot down the stuff that sticks out. I'll probably start rambling so feel free to skim.

We have decided to keep Avery in her preschool since she LOVES it and they love her. She learns, plays, eats healthy, has a ton of friends and boy friends (Jack and Nolan) and it's a great place. I keep her home so we can play with her friends or hit the zoo but most of the time she is at school. So that leaves me here, alone, to explore what people do when they don't work. Of course, I worked out of the house so it was flexible but I didn't really take advantage. I worked, traveled, was always available via email and phone so it was crazy at times.

First things is to create a bucket list. Well the bucket list has been created and completed and it's only been 3 weeks. So now I'll repeat the bucket list, and add to it (first thing to add, golf lessons). I am enjoying some quiet time and spend a lot of time on the computer just making sure I don't miss any job opportunities, although I am not obsessed yet with finding something, just keeping a peeper on what's going on out there.

Things I've learned from the daytime Tube:
...that the commercials that are on during the day are filled with people telling you to "get off the couch and start doing something you love, you owe it to yourself, what are you waiting for, call now and in 3 months you could be on the road to a better career." Nope, sorry, don't want to go to Phoenix University for my 2 month nursing degree. This commercial is followed by some pre paid cell phone commercial....see where I'm goin' with this?!?! I guess I should really stop watching Cheaters. Oh Cheaters, what a show. Two Ho's got in a fight on yesterday's show and one bitch pulled the other bitch's weave out of her hair and then threw it at her. It was laugh out loud comedy.

...there are a million Judge shows on. It's not even Judy anymore, it's like people that I don't think are really judges. One case the other day was a 14 year old girl being sued by her neighbor for vandalizing her car. The 14- year old gets her turn to explain why she did this and I kid you not her reply was " shoot, I was just walkin' and I be trippin over my shoe laces and, you know, I just fell into her car. That's why it's all damaged" PAHAHAHA, even the judge laughed. She lost. Next. Bailiff, let's bring in the next hood rat.

...I do enjoy that CSI plays on FX all day everyday.

...since I'm not prego, I don't enjoy all the daytime baby shows on TLC.

...AND THEN THERE'S THE JERSEY SHORE ON MTV ON DEMAND. This was today's special. I wanted to see what all the hype was about so I put it on my bucket list and checked it off today. Are you F-ing kidding me with that show?!?! I would rather get my nursing degree, better yet my masters degree from Phoenix University then EVER watch that crap again. The shear site of that house and the mess makes me nervous. One year I was a Puerto Rican for Halloween (since everyone thinks I'm Puerto Rican it was an easy costume) and I swear everyone on the J.S. looks like my Halloween costume. Snooki- short and fat, like my friend compares her to a soup sandwich, just gross.  The Situation- a grenade, better yet, a tank. Ronnie- roid head cry baby. Sammy- bad skin. JWOWW- Muffin top and tacky clothes. The house has wood panel walls and everyone sleeps in a twin bed. I don't get it?

Things I have eaten mass amounts of:
...Rolos. I don't know why, I don't know how this got started but everywhere I look I am sure to spot one of those little gold rolo wrappers. I have become unemployed-addicted.

...Boredom Salads. These are salads that have lettuce and everything in my pantry dumped in a bowl. I get bored so I invent salads.

...I have, however, mastered the art of my crock pot and have cooked some very delish meals. My fav so far? My Enchiladas. Oh so yum. Those of course weren't made in the crock.

Need a 15 minute bathroom break yet? Ok, go. I'll wait..............................


Now, my friend says I have not been unemployed long enough to blog about unemployment but I beg to differ. It's been 3 weeks and I have done a ton. Cleaning out drawers I didn't realize I had, dumping clothes that piss me off, cooking, I read a book after discovering and loving IBooks on my Ipad ( I also discovered that if you read outside on your IPad it will get hot and warn you that your precious IPad is overheating).

I think I am going to invent an "unemployment" uniform. I can wear it everyday and not have to worry about what to put on everyday to do virtually nothing. Tomorrow, I sign up for golf lessons and gear up for our beach weekend.

I'll leave you with something I think about all the time when I am alone at home, especially when I get out of the shower. I fear that someone is hiding in my closets and then all of a sudden I sneeze and out of force of habit the robber says "bless you" from inside the closet. I have no idea why but every time I am alone at home and I sneeze I cringe! Just waiting for the polite bad guy to bless me.

Unemployment is fun....so far.

Oh Go Fly A Kite....



 Besides the pollen and the constant sneezing, blowing and wheezing I really do love Spring and this weather.  I try to be so "Kelle Hampton" (for of those who don't know just google her). She is this creative type of superwoman that does precious stuff. Ok, I am so not her and I never will be and that's ok. So we have done some cute stuff so far like picnics and kite flying. Which is funny to me because I always think of back in the day when people used to say "oh go fly a kite" or "go play in traffic". So kite flying for me was always parrelled to someone throwing out the middle finger. But this kite flying is much cuter.


She was proud it flew, until it landed on the neighbors roof.

Pay no attention to the half PJ's half play clothes.



 We have also painted bird houses and learned how to golf. Yep, my 2 1/2 year old golfs every night. She goes out back and hits golf balls every evening and even tells me "mommy you need to get a tee and put your ball on it." She takes her pink club and whacks it. It is something so cute.

She is so proud of this one!

Our neighbor Dan got a lawn mower so we made fun of him. He thought it was so cool that he mows his own lawn. I give that until July, when this Iowa boys feels what summers with a lawn mower really feels like!

I just stand out back and take pictures of him and laugh, in a lounge chair.

Did I mention we gardened? Yep, we are growing Strawberries and herbs and planted pretty pretty flowers in the yard. And when I say we planted, I of course meant Albert.

I supervised.



Avery's New thing is this string cheese.

 She also cannot put the kitty boots in the "winter box".

So there you have it, Steph and Mo a simple quick honk shoo of a blog you can chew on today. I promise to get better. In fact, I have been jotting down some "I'm bored" things I have been thinking about that I can put in another blog. Like I really want to invent things. Febreeze for your skin? I take a bath, then play outside and my skin smells like "outside time" so I want a quick skin febreeze. 

Next post....bored things I've done while I have been out of work, fun things I've eaten while I've been out of work and new shows I have discovered.  This should be a good one. TO BE CON'T.....

  

The Florida State Fair....Nuff said.

Ahhh the fair. If they could bottle up that smell I would dab it on my wrists and wear it. We were on the fence about it and Sunday came around and it was one of those things we acted like we were too good for it but really we're not and we really wanted to go. So we packed Albert's Dad bag and off we went.

"Load up girls we're going to the fair."
"Yipeeeeee, can you help me pick out my outfit?"
"Just throw on anything with a hole in it and let's go, you'll be fine."

First stop. ATM. Hmmmm, how much should we take out? One month's salary or two? We choose one month's and tell the girls they'll have to share a regular size corn dog. (This year they had a jumbo corndog, it was as long as Albert's leg (his regular leg, get your head outta the gutter).

We get off the exit and traffic was backed up for miles. Living in Tampa all our lives Albert knew a "short cut". I tell him everyone thinks they have a short cut and no way we are getting in this parking in less than hour. He went up one more exit, made some turn and BAM there we were at some entrance that no one knew about and in we went and parked. Paid for 2 adults and snuck Riley in. I whispered "If anyone asks you're 5, not almost 7" She started asking "why" and I gave her the "you'll understand when you're a parent" and left it at that.

We bought the girls those all you can ride wrist bands so when Avery wants to ride the Jumbo Slide 6 million times it doesn't cost  3 tickets per kid  x 100 times each = like $5,000.

First Stop: Right as we walk in a guy on a mic is screaming and trying to get people to pay him $3 and he will guess your weight, age or month of birth. He has to get it within 2 and you win a hard stuffed animal. Albert stops and gives him $6 and says "ok guess her age and guess my weight". It's a lose lose situation at this point. Not that I look like a young chicken anymore but no one ever guesses my age. He looks me up and down and writes down a number. He asks me my age and I tell him, 32. He shows me his paper and it says 34! I punched out the one last standing tooth he had in his mouth and snacthed up my consulation prize, a plastic whistle. Just what I wanted. He then guessed Albert's weight, 217. Albert stands on the scale and it reads 210! Yah! We won a hard dirty stuffed duck. Sweet, 6 dollars down. Snore.

Second Stop: The Crazy Bus. This was actually the highlight of my day. A black family are in line in front of us (the dad and the little kids)  The smelly carnie opens the rope and they pile up to the crazy bus. The mother is standing next to me and screams to her family, "Hey! dontcha get on the back of dat bus!" ARE YOU F-IN KIDDING ME LADY! Listen Rosa Parks, it's the fair and this bus is a 15 second ride for kids. Apparently the dad didn't hear her!

After the crazy Bus, which they really used that term loose, it went round and round so slow I thought Avery fell asleep. We rode the HillBilly Express, the water bumper boats, they jumped in the dirty bounce house, rode the motorcycles, and all the other kid rides. Ry and I went on the farris wheel and after all the riding we were hungry. Riley and Avery had a small corn dog, I opted for the Albert leg corndog and a Mountain Dew. Good combo. Then I wanted a turkey leg, then I saw a man eating a slab of ribs, then I saw caramel apples. I was in fat girl heaven.
After spending about $200 on games, crap and tickets I had enough. So I got an airbrushed Shirt with Albert's name in a heart and we left.

I love the fair.